Beware Of Despair – A Coaching Brief

The true meaning of despair is separation from purpose—the sense that you are unable to realize your mission – that there is no way for you to engage in your life affirming purpose.  Two roads cross the juncture of despair. One leads into fatigue, depression and apathy; the other leads to awakening and renewal. The first diminishes the life force; the second rekindles the essence of life.

Cellular energy, biologists tell us, is carried and released by ATP (Adenosine - triphosphate). “ATP is a multi-functional nucleotide that is a carrier of “molecular currency” of intracellular energy transfer. In this role, ATP transports chemical energy within cells for metabolism. It is produced as an energy source during the processes of photosynthesis and cellular respiration.” In short, ATP is the energy potential of the cell. It brings to the cell the energy to engage in its function and do all that it needs to do.

What about you? What gives you energy to engage in your functions and do all that you need to do? What is your whole-person (beyond cellular) ATP?

In our coaching work with high performers they find that their whole-person ATP - the energy potential they can realize and release is a function of Alignment-To-Purpose.  Your whole-person ATP is in your Alignment- and Adherence-To-Purpose.  Despair and depression are the signs of ultimate loss of Alignment To Purpose (ATP). Awakening and renewal are found in reconnection and realignment to purpose.

To acquire cellular ATP, Adenosine – triphosphate, you need a balanced nutrition.

Finding and ongoing-ly calibrating your Alignment-To-Purpose is central to the personal development journey and to the process of coaching. You develop self awareness and insight to what energizes you, to your intuition and to what nourishes your purpose. You get sensitized to the Being and Doing of purpose and discover the relationships of the higher, the lower and the middle. You examine the personal and professional aspects of your life to create and arrange your optimal Living On Purpose.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Nov.16.2008 :: Coaching, Organizational Development, Personal Growth :: No Comments »

I am often asked how to overcome fear. Fear is probably the strongest, most intense of all behavioral triggers. We conjure up fears and react to them. Fears govern behavior in relationships, in career choices, in trading and investment, and in the way people express their views and feelings.

There are four responses to fear:
1. Flight – fear reflex to run away
2. Fight – defense mechanism
3. Fright (Freeze) – fear reflex to stay frozen
4. Frame – Manage the fear reflex in context and make a calculated appraisal of options.

The first three have served humans since the beginning of time. They are wired into the reptilian brain and instinct. All creatures large and small have intrinsic knowledge to run away when faced by a stronger slower opponent. If immediate danger is posed, some of us will fight our way to safety. In other situations, both humans and animals are known to freeze either as a defense mechanism so as not to be seen, or out of inability to mobilize to the next action.  These reactions can be very useful in situations of physical danger. However, many of the fears we face as urban dwellers are quite different, where ancient hard-wired reptilian responses are not suitable or helpful.

The fourth response of framing your options and evaluating these inside a larger context involves later evolution of brain function and a different stratum of consciousness. Engaging higher brain function and levels of consciousness is at the center of personal growth and development. You started to practice overriding reactive circuitries at the age of four or five. Managing fear more effectively by framing options, evaluating pros and cons and making choices can be learned and practiced.

This fourth response is based in recognizing that you have a fundamental choice; that you can choose between:
1. Using fears to make you succeed
2. Allowing fears to hold you back

Here are 21 fears that govern people’s behavior, participation and response:

1. Fear of losing a position
2. Fear of losing social standing
3. Fear of losing income
4. Fear of losing another person’s positive view of you
5. Fear of losing your own positive self image
6. Fear of losing love
7. Fear of losing security
8. Fear of failure
9. Fear of criticism
10. Fear of rejection
11. Fear of humiliation
12. Fear of embarrassment
13. Fear of being left out
14. Fear of change and it’s consequences
15. Fear of being wrong
16. Fear of being caught out
17. Fear of being alone
18. Fear of pain
19. Fear of finding emptiness inside
20. Fear of death
21. Fear of fear

Then there are also:
22. Fear of taking full responsibility and having no excuses
23. Fear of success
24. Fear of realizing your true power

What can you do in the face of fear to bypass the flight/ fight/ fright reflex and frame a different response?
1. Ask: “what is the worst thing that can happen?” By framing it clearly in written or spoken words that are outside of you, it is no longer invisible or unspoken. The unspoken and the invisible often have a greater gripping power than the things that are seen and said.

2. Frame the fear in context; ask:
A. What is the best case scenario?
B. What are the probabilities of the worst and the best case?
C. What are likely scenarios in the middle?
D. What options do you have?
E. What are the possible risks and rewards in each option?

3. Find the greater fear that can keep you succeeding:
A. Fear of not realizing your potential
B. Fear of not living fully
C. Fear of forgetting what matters most
D. Fear of getting separated from your calling and purpose
E. Fear of not rising to your opportunities.

4. Make a wise decision. Take action.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Oct.20.2008 :: Coaching, Personal Growth :: No Comments »

What is the subtle, at times invisible work of a transformational coach and consultant?

1. To learn from the client (the team) about their talent and potential. Especially to learn about the potential that the client is unaware of or is unable to access.

2. To hold for the client their best strengths.

3. To bring fresh perspective, a new question and a new way of looking at the problem.

4. To believe in the client’s capacity to grow, transform and evolve.

5. To help create ‘zero gravity’ inquiry and open ended exploration.

6. To promote an innovative process.

7. To intuit the next steps. Open the next door.

8. To bring a total urgency for the client to take the next step and, at the same time, contain it with absolute patience and detachment from outcome. (Only the very impatient can understand the power of patience).

9. To frame the question, the challenge, in the pursuit of which the client can discover their next brilliance.

10. To be fully present and engaged in your own growth while helping the client grow.

11. To remove blockages.

12. To follow the energy as it leads to the next breakthrough.

13. To help ‘channel’ the collective intelligence available in the room.

14. To stay intact, impartial, and unattached.

15. To delight in the clients success.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Sep.22.2008 :: Coaching, Consultant Journal :: No Comments »

“Great coaching is asking great questions,” I said to Carol. Carol did not hesitate but immediately replied with a good question: “How do you learn to ask good questions?”

Here is my reply to Carol:

1. Get interested. Really interested.
2. Write down the questions. Don’t just hold them in your thoughts; frame them in writing.
3. Start a little book of questions, to capture and catalogue questions as they happen.
4. Become fascinated by how things work and by finding ways to improve the situations around you, focus on seeing how things work rather than ‘being right’, or having readymade answers.
5. Move from ‘How’ to ‘What’ and ‘Why’ questions.
6. Practice looking at an object, or a word, and asking five questions about it.
7. Look at the people around you – replace and reframe opinions and ‘likes and dislikes’ to questions. Let yourself wonder what moves them; why they do what they do.
8. Next time someone says something and you immediately are tempted to just respond with your view, ask instead: ‘what makes you think like this?’; ‘what makes you feel like this?’
9. Listen to what you say and ask: ‘why did I say this?’ Practice asking questions instead of making points.
10. Write down 100 questions. You can create the questions in categories. Here are a few to get you going in the practice of asking questions. After you practice asking questions for a while, you will discover some great questions can lead to great coaching.

A. Self-awareness questions:
- What energizes you? What gets you going?
- What are the three biggest stressors in your life?

B. Questions about hopes and aspirations
- If you knew you could not fail, what would you begin to do today?

C. Questions about money:
- What are your basic beliefs about money?
- How are these beliefs shaping your relationship with money?

D. Questions about relationships:
- What are the most important things you are looking for in relationships?
- What does the map of your social network look like (are there a few major patterns)?

E. Questions about the future
F. Questions about achieving results
G. Questions about fears and worries
H. Questions about personal development and growth
I. Questions about leadership
J. Questions about health and well being
K. Questions about the learning process
L. Questions about great people and leaders in history
M. Questions about happiness and joy
N. Questions about habits and about psychology
O. Questions about how the economy works
P. Question about innovation
Q. Questions about trust and influencing
R. Questions about success and failure
S. Questions about coaching and mentoring
T. Questions about process engineering
U. Questions about purpose
V. Questions about destiny
W. Questions about resolving conflicts
X. Questions about human virtues
Y. Questions about forgiveness
Z. Questions about current world affairs

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Jul.25.2008 :: Coaching, Conversations That Matter :: No Comments »

Great teams cultivate a culture that encourages internal coaching. People on these teams don’t hold back; they are not political and they do not miss opportunities to get better.

If you are lucky enough to participate in such a team, you know how great it feels. It is one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences you can have. Executives from our coaching seminars tell us about the excitement of working with winning teams that develop a coaching culture. These teams make them better professionals and help them to continue to grow and develop.

We all get inspired when witnessing a sports team that is moved by something greater; wherein, the individual players surrender to become part of a greater whole that amplifies their individual contribution.

What are the characteristics of a strong coaching culture, where each person is ready to coach and be coached by everyone else on the team? They are the same characteristics of winning teams:

1.    Unified vision and purpose
2.    Willingness to change
3.    Love of learning and growth
4.    Great humor
5.    Fanaticism about collaboration and improvement
6.    Focus on the team output, not on roles
7.    No defensive in the face of learning
8.    Fast recovery and resiliency
9.    Celebrating success and celebrating learning from mistakes
10.    Low on ego, high on results

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Jun.25.2008 :: Coaching, Organizational Development :: No Comments »

To lead is to go where you have never gone before, to open a way forward into unknown, uncharted possibilities. Then it is to encourage, coach and help others release their greater capacity to achieve the seemingly impossible, to realize a potential beyond their self-concept.

The first breakthrough is inside, in your capacity to reframe reality and lead your own life. Coaching others into their self-discovery and leadership is the natural next step.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Jun.01.2008 :: Coaching, Leadership :: No Comments »

Here is a coaching dialogue excerpt that happened this week. P called and we started our conversation. It went like this:
Me: How are you?
P: Not so good today. I feel I am trying too hard to help too many people. I don’t feel too well. I am actually quite exhausted.
M: On a scale of one to ten, where ten is feeling absolutely amazing and one is feeling as if you are dying, where would you say you are?
P: Oh, probably 5.3
M: Well, that’s not good… 9 is being “in the zone”… 8 is a very good functional order… 7 is okay but not your best… 6 is right on the red line below which a bunch of red lights start blinking on your dashboard…  So you are clearly at that point of red lights blinking…
P: Yes, that is correct.
M: Well, step one is to notice it. Step two is to be diagnostic. Would you like to do that?
P: Sure, what do you mean by diagnostic?
M: Well, I can run a list of plausible reasons that could be impacting you and contributing to the way you feel. As I go through each of them, you can say “No” or you can say “Yes”. You can be even more specific and calibrate the responses in terms of how important that area is for you. You might say that’s a big factor or that’s a medium or a small factor. You will then be in a position to decide which one of them you deal with first and take on a remedial or corrective action.
P: Sounds good. I am ready.
M: Great. Here we go. You work too hard and try to help too many people because…?

1. You feel you are not good enough. You feel you need to prove something.
2. You take other people’s problems as your own.
3. You spend too much time thinking what other people think about you.
4. You carry a sense of guilt which you try to alleviate by what you do.
5. You are not ready to forgive yourself.
6. You are too distant from yourself, from your own voice as you are pulled in different directions.
7. You don’t know how to ask for help.
8. You don’t know how to receive help when it’s offered.
9. You feel tired and low in energy because of imbalanced nutrition.
10. You don’t know how to stop, relax and rest.
11. You mix with people that are not good for you.
12. You worry and obsess about things that are outside your control.
13. You’ve been disconnected from what you love to do for too long.
14. You have something urgent you actually have to do before anything else and you are not doing it.

P responded live, at the point as I listed each of these possible causes. In the end she had five relevant items that contributed to the way she felt - one big, two medium sized, and two small ones. We talked through the issues and we then moved on to step three – planning specific actions.

M: Great. As we do this let’s capture the steps so you can apply them to anything you need.
Step one: Notice – become aware of what is going on.
Step two: Diagnose – frame plausible reasons/causes, discern the relevant ones and grade them by weighted influence.
Step three: Plan – identify the action you are now ready to take. (There are many strategies in this step).
The coaching conversation continued into forwarding the action.

Since it all happened live and P enjoyed the discovery, she gave me permission to post this excerpt here.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: May.11.2008 :: Coaching :: No Comments »

50 percent of coaching insights and decisions that are not acted upon are lost within 24 hours. More than 80 percent of coaching insights and decisions are lost if not acted upon within 72 hours.

The best time to act on your decision and take your insight forward is always now.
Every insight and decision must be validated and confirmed in action. Insight is an energy release. Decision is an energy directive. If there is no action to validate the release and to confirm the directive of energy, then the insight and the decision will dissipate.

Neurons fire for a connection to build a new circuitry. A new insight or a new decision creates a new brain circuitry. The circuitry must then be validated by action or it dissipates. If it is not validated by action, the insight is forgotten, the decision aborted and the coaching value wasted.

What new decisions have you made? What new insights have you had? Take action now!

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Mar.01.2008 :: Coaching :: No Comments »

Jordan is a young manager. From the start, he has been very effective in solving problems and was quickly promoted to a management position and responsibility. His approach to solving problems has always been aggressive. Show him a problem and he is all over it. Jordan takes great pride in fixing problems. When he walks into a room, Jordan enjoys hearing people say, “Mr. Fixer is back.”

For four months Jordan had nine account managers in his team and now six of them resent him. When I interviewed them they said they admire Jordan, and that he is phenomenal, but they are afraid of him and his temper. When inquiring further I discovered that there was some suppressed resentment against Jordan underneath the fear. “Jordan has a big huge blind spot” one manager on his team told me.”He micro-manages us and wants to know in detail about every deal in the works. He doesn’t trust us and it says more about his insecurity and paranoia than about his capability. He is so used to being the superstar that he reduces all of us on his team to be less than we can be. He takes the job and the pride of success away from us. My guess is, if we don’t see a change very soon half of his team is not going to be here in a couple of months.”

The art of leadership is as much about “what you don’t do” as it is about “what you do”. You’ve got to know when to resist the “fixing itch”; when to delegate and trust the other person to find the solution. It’s about learning to resist yourself. Great leaders are capable of resisting the “let me fix it” reflex. The surest and fastest way to cause resentment around you is to point out every detail of what is going wrong and then attempt to fix it for everybody. I see a relief in managers when they begin to discover the art of coaching. They realize they can use coaching strategies to help their people unleash their own talents.

Jordan experienced an epiphany in our MC class (The Manager Coach). He had always thought of himself as being firmly in control. As we practiced the coaching conversation and the tactic of stepping back from “fixing” to “open ended questions”, Jordan was surprised to discover he was not in control. His fixing habit, Mr. Fixer’s pride and self image were in charge of him. Once he realized these issues, he was ready to step back and then make a leap toward letting go of trying to control a multitude of details. He was ready to empower his team and their capabilities. There was a big smile on his face when he recognized the greater freedom and versatility that become available in asking open ended questions and in trusting the people around him to find answers. It was as if a great weight fell off his shoulders. When I visited with his team six weeks later, I was told, “Jordan is a different person. It’s as if a light was turned on.”

There is a profound change that takes place when you shift from “fixing” to “coaching”. You change your language, your focus and even your posture and energy. It’s a bit like discovering the second floor above the basement you have lived in for years. Jordan suddenly discovered the Manager Coach floor, where natural light comes through the window and there is a view that was never available in the basement.  Breaking through his own limitations, and seeing clearly the things that control him rather than what he chose and aspired for, opened his eyes to the greater light of shared experience and collaboration. It made him a stronger leader. His team was prepared to rally around his own transformation as they recognized the new opportunity. Their results quickly improved and exceeded everyone’s expectations.

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Feb.10.2008 :: Coaching, Leadership, Organizational Development :: No Comments »

The Coaching Conversation is dedicated to improving your ability to succeed, and helping you to move forward and take action. It may feature and include any number of the 32 natures and characters listed below.

Coaching conversation is…
1. Strengths based and
2. Opportunities focused

The conversation is…
3. Challenge embracing
4. Possibilities assessing and creating
5. Observations framing
6. Insights seeking and articulating
7. Capabilities evaluating and
8. Frameworks exploring

The coaching invites and makes possible…
9. Feed-back / feed-forward receiving
10. Priorities sorting
11. Goals setting
12. Strategy framing

Through the coaching conversation we promote…
13. Intelligence and resources gathering
14. Confidence and stature enhancing
15. Blockages removing
16. Action forwarding

The coaching conversation entails…
17. Blind spot revealing
18. Clarity forming
19. Letdown overcoming
20. Closure finding
21. Alignment creating
22. Options generating

Through the coaching conversation you find…
23. Purpose and values re-centering
24. Life and work balance enhancing
25. Results driving
26. Future designing
27. Potential realizing

There are other specific focuses that can become part of a coaching conversation…
28. Management effectiveness improving
29. Stretch assignment enabling
30. “Twelve Environments” organizing
31. Complexity managing
32. Keynote, meeting or conversation preparing

© Aviv Shahar

Aviv Shahar :: Jan.24.2008 :: Coaching :: No Comments »